The Best of What's Offered

I've been thinking about the existentialist philosophy lately. I don't have a real reason, but I don't really need to have a reason, so I suppose it doesn't matter.
But my thoughts always turn to the idea of how much I wish to follow this idea.

Suppose in laymen's terms, to be an existentialist is to live with the motto or idea of always being formed, or to be continually reinventing yourself. To think with these words in mind seems much grander than to simply take responsibility for your actions, yet they pertain to the same idea. If I truly wish to be responsible for my actions and therefore take 'the high road', that's wonderful. But it is also entirely possible that I also wish I were carefree. So then I wish to live without responsibility. But this in itself is technically 'reinventing myself', but in doing so, worsening my situation.

I liken this to someone who is raised in one religion or culture, believes in it, for the most part, but really only associates with some of it. For example, I have always been Catholic. I love church, and Scripture, and I enjoy being a part of the Mass. But at the same time, I can't help but be logical. MEN made up this religion, MEN dictated these guidelines and rules, MEN interpreted the words and actions of Jesus. Therefore, in fully participating in a Catholic Mass, I am participating in something that was largely made up by my fellow humans, even if it was made up as much as 2000 years ago. I agree with Scripture, I believe in the Crucifixion, I believe in the Holy Trinity. I do not, however, believe that I must confess to a priest. I do not necessarily agree with the Holy Communion. I do not really understand the need for some of the sacrements. But I still go to church, nearly every Sunday, and participate in Mass.

This has been bothering me lately. My sister recently told me that she does believe in God. She does NOT believe in Jesus.

As someone who tries to be understanding and non judgemental, I was shocked and revolted when she told me this. Because no Jesus means that there was no miraculous birth in the desert. there was no North Star that lead the way. There was no miracle performed or life sacrificed. No one died for our sins. There was no death and resurrection. And this is the basis of my belief.

This turned into a more personal dissection of my religious feelings. It seems more complicated in writing than it did in my head.

First day of school and I'm feeling pretty happy to be back. I really couldn't wait. I like routine, and filling my days up with intelligent discussion is a great routine to pick up. I've actually only had one class. My classes are really spread out, so I have one at 830, one at 230, and one at 7 pm. I also have another at 530 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So far I've only attended two classes. Since yesterday was the first day, I went to my five thirty class and that was quite interesting, being human sexuality. Today I've only been to my 830, which is American Literature to 1865. It already looks like it is going to be really interesting. I had actually balked at taking American lit because of the little I read in high school. But this class looks like it will encompass a lot more than the English colonization period.

I have to go to Spanish class soon. And then tonight is the second half of American lit. We'll see how that goes!

Dealing with Conflict

I was recently a part of a conflict at work. It was conducted almost entirely throught text message, and even though I have continued to be professional with this woman, she reads into things that I write or post on Myspace and thinks they are about her. 

I am a shift supervisor at work, and I was supposed to close with two people. This girl has had many attendance problems and always has an excuse not to come to work, and she often shows up during her shift that someone else has covered for her. A couple of weeks ago, she was scheduled to be there at 6 pm. I called her at 6:05 telling her, hey its no big deal but you are five minutes late, let me know if you're gonna make it so we can find someone else. Thanks. 

Thirty minutes pass by in which I'm pretty busy and am not able to call her and double check after a shorter amount of time. So I call her again at 6:35, and she doesn't answer. By this time I was thinking, well, I accidentally gave her an extra half hour, and she still didn't answer. Now I have a right to be angry about it. 

So I leave her another message, saying, 'Hey Sara, I really don't appreciate you not coming in or at least calling in. I know this is something that the manager has had to talk to you about already, so it is a problem. But at least call me and let me know what's going on and whether you're going to make it or not. Thank you, bye.'

About five minutes later she TEXT messages me something to this effect-

Hey that message was really rude and I don't APPRECIATE you telling me that. My daughter is in the ER right now and coming to work is that last thing on my mind. You better not fucking call my phone again. There is so much that I and others could say about you but I choose not too because I'm a better person than that. 

I replied-

I'm sorry but I must say that I said that in the nicest way possible. I'm sorry you're kid's in the hospital, I hope she's alright. But I gave you twenty minutes to answer my first message. I just needed to know what was going on. And I don't care what you say about me, so don't threaten me with gossip.

She said-

Well if that is the nicest way to say it then you should go and ask your mom to teach you some manners. And that's bull shit about my kid, you could care less. 

And you better stop messaging me before I say something I regret tomorrow. And I DON'T APPRECIATE you talking to me like that!!!!

So I immediately got ridiculously pissed and I decided, well she's not coming in, I guess I'll call around for someone to close. So I call around, got her shift covered, and then calmed down a little bit. Meanwhile, my coworker gets a text message from her asking if they would cover her shift because her kid was in the ER. 

I called my manager so I could tell her what happened first person. She was really glad that I told her and was even really happy with me that I had already found someone to work for her. Said I took iniative and took care of it, and only called her to let her know what had happened. 

The best thing about this situation?

She had her review the next day, was written up and not given a raise. 

So today I filled out a survey on Myspace, and one of the questions was "Did the last person to hurt you apologize?"

And I said 'Yeah, stupid girl.'

I was referring to my sister, I have like four of them.

But later around 7, I get a text message from this girl asking if I was talking about her!! I just don't understand what she was thinking. Who cares if it was about her? She just wants to start stuff all over again and make things even worse than they already are. Things are tense enough without her trying to instigate and talk trash to me through text and freaking myspace. 

Oh and then she filled out the same survey, with the title saying, 'suRvEy fROm cHrisTinA...:)'

and that pissed me off because she made it seem like we're cool buddies or something, and she also types like a retard in high school when she's really around 25 with a husband and kids. 

So then in the same survey there's another question about, 'when's the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?' 

And her answer was 'recently, and i woulda kicked her ass too!'

So my only judgement on this is that yes, she was probably talking about me. Yes she could probably kill me in a fight. But no, I am not going to let her know how much this bothers me. No one really knows that I keep this blog, and no one knows the exact URL. This is my safest outlet. I don't know what else to do. I suppose the best thing to do would be to see if she continues to do things like this and then tell my manager again. Because if I go up to her myself and confront her, I'll get all twist tied and I'll cower. I'll try to make her happy because that's what I do. I always look out for my coworkers so that they are happy and in a good mood and therefore working well as a result of my goodwill. I will do what she wants involuntarily. So I have to tell my manager how I feel beforehand, before I get all muddled up and confused.

This is ridiculous. I hate when people tear me up like this. I don't want to start this stupid year off worrying about what other uneducated and tactless people have to say and do. Its not my fault she's in her position, or that the whole event occurred. 

Good riddance, Sara. And goodnight.